you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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