did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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