if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
