I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
