my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
