Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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