I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
