okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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