Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
