I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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