fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
