3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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