that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
