I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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