Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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