I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
