dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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