this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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