I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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