dude i'm inner monologue high
you win again, gameday.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
