i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
