I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
