I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
