Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
