I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
