I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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