Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
