I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need water and some morals
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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