My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
