Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
