Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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