Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
