the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
