you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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