Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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