If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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