he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
