i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
