My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
