Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
