Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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