I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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