Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
