I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
