Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
