meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
