ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
