Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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