Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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