I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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