how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
