Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
