I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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