Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
